Three candidates are short listed for the accountant's job. They're all equally excellent, experienced and personable, etc.
The chairman asks each the simple question "what is 2 + 2 ?"
The first replies " 4 "
The second replies "Statistically anything between 3.999 and 4.0111 "
The third replies "Well, what do you want it to be?"
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a London to Glasgow flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Glasgow was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
A client had just come in to see his new accountant.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the accountant replied, "I charge £200 to answer three questions."
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the accountant, "And what's your third question?"
Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between them was placed a briefcase full of money.
Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...
Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap accountant.
Two final year accounting students walking along, the second one pushing a new bicycle. The first student asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
"A funny thing happened the other day", the second student answers, "I was walking along minding my own business when this freshette rode up on her bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off her clothes and said "Take what you want!!!"
The first student nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fitted."
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Creditors have better memories than debtors. A fool and his money are soon audited. Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant...even if he wanted to be one? There are three kinds of accountants in the world - those who can count, and those who can't. Accounting will prove anything. Even the truth. Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance. |
Three accountants went to a restaurant together. The bill came to £25. They each put in £10, ie total £30.
Wanting to keep things simple, the waiter kept £2 for his tip and gave them each £1 back.
3 x £9 = £27
plus the £2 the waiter kept = £29
What happened to the other £1?
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: What do accountants do for fun?
A: Add the telephone book.
Q: How do you make an accountant laugh?
A: Ask for a raise.
Q. How do you drive an accountant insane?
A. Tie him to a chair and fold a road map up wrong in front of him.
Q. How do you know when the books balance?
A. The accountant drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Q. How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement?
A. He wears his grey suit instead of the blue.
Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.
Q: Why did the accountant cross the road?
A: Because he did it last year.
Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, and raised the first liability.
A: There's nothing remotely funny on this page.
Q: Are you an accountant?
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